As
with most Mama's, I bonded with Little Red from that very first cuddle. Baby Daddy Nick, while also forming an immediate bond, maybe didn't have that same tie to the little one that I had in the very beginning (pretty reasonable, I'd say). Don't get me
wrong, he was #1 Dad from day one but while it's easy for us to bond
with our little one (what with breastfeeding and that instinctual need
on baby's part to be close to their Mum) sometimes it's a little more
difficult for the Dads out there.
For
the first few weeks, Nick played househusband while I tended to
peanuts every need. Now though? He's as hands-on as a Dad can be. Why?
Because I tried my best to involve him in every little thing and he was
eager to be involved! He gave Little Red his first bath...
...he changed his
nappies, he cuddled him in the evenings while I had time out and now he
feeds, settles and beds peanut every night. While it was stressful at
first (because Dad's don't always have that immediate "ESP" with baby that we do),
with plenty of encouragement and experience Nick became the pro.
It's easy to get in there and say "No, do it like this!" but when left
to their own devices, Dads are pretty good at figuring out what to do in
their own time.
These
days, it makes me all gooey inside watching Baby Daddy and little
peanut curled up on the couch together watching Cops (their favourite
program, much to my dismay) or listening to them debate on who's going
to win the rugby (FYI: the peanut's only 11 weeks old thus rendering it a
pretty one-sided conversation). Each evening the little man cuddles up
like a koala on his chest and snoozes the night away and believe it or
not, it's only his Daddy who can accomplish this feat!
So! Involve, encourage and congratulate your partner and they'll be an old hand in no time. After all, there's nothing that melts a mother's heart more than seeing their little bundle snuggled up in their father's arms....
.... (and it sure makes the morning sickness, fatigue, sciatica and waddling worth it!)
1. You can get away with eating "for two"
2. Your partner is obliged to give foot and shoulder rubs upon request
3. When baby kicks, punches or rolls it makes you giggle
4. For nine months, there's two sets of lungs and two beating hearts inside you
5. You've got a little buddy that you can chat with (best you leave that for alone time though)
6. Everyone showers you in attention
7. Each ultrasound is gratifying, exciting and beautiful
8. You can enjoy getting a bit fat
9. You can buy loads of cute baby clothes and justify it with the fact that they're not for you
10. You get to take more time off work
11. Soon you won't have to work at all
12. Your hair and skin is Vogue-worthy
13. You can eat cheeseburgers at 3am (after partner has graciously slunk through McDonald's drive-thru)
14. There's a huge sense of pride in knowing that you're growing a healthy baby
15. Becoming a mother is by far, the biggest and most amazing achievement of your life
Once you were just a partner. Now you're a parent and a partner.
Whether or not we like to admit it, it sure can be a challenge balancing a baby and a relationship - sometimes it feels impossible, like you're juggling too many balls at once, they're falling down all over the place and you haven't the time nor the energy to pick them all up again. Even though it's tough, it's so, so important to keep that "spark" alive between you and your partner as well as keeping your own spark burning bright - you are something other than just a mother, after all! It'll keep you (and them) sane as well as helping your little family blossom ten-fold.
Couple time, or more recently known as Mummy and Daddy time, may feel like nothing more than a distant memory. It's all good and well living the baby, baby, baby lifestyle but don't forget that you and your partner are people with emotions and needs too.
For a wee while, Little Red really was the only thing Nick and I talked about. In fact it got to the point where (on my part) I would converse with him through Redford,i.e. "Well, little man, do you think Daddy would like to give you your bottle now?" or "Do you think Daddy would like to hear about your Plunket visit today?" I mean, really! Why these questions couldn't be directed straight at Nick himself is beyond me. Your little one is there to love, cuddle and nurture, not to act as an unknowing messenger. That wee habit of mine is now, thank God, gone for good and everything I want to say to Nick I say it straight to him and leave bub to wriggle around unsuspecting on his play gym. And nowadays, we make sure we take the time to refresh, unwind and talk about loads of other things besides the peanut, even if it's something as simple as the weather or what's on the news.
Make the most of that time in the evening after baby's gone to bed - snuggle up together or have a glass of wine and a chat, watch TV or go to bed and cuddle under the covers. When you're feeling ready, enlist a family member or close friend to look after the little one so you guys can see a movie, go for dinner or catch up with friends. The first time we went out without Little Red was lovely (although we both missed him like crazy) - it made us feel normal and human again. Even when baby's up not everything you do has to be about him. Talk to each other about your days, put baby in his bouncer or play gym so you can have dinner together, get the buggy out and go for an evening walk. It's amazing how much you appreciate the little things once you have a child.
If it's important that you have time together as a couple, it's equally important for both of you to have time to yourselves. As a Mama it's so easy to get carried away with being nothing more than that - you can spend every hour of the day tending to your little one and keeping the house tidy if you're not careful. I did. But now I take time for myself and it's incredibly rewarding. Where I used to run around the house like a headless chicken putting washing on, folding it, vacuuming and doing the dishes as soon as bubs went down for a sleep, I now let chores take second place and do what I want to do, as opposed to doing what I need to do - and really, what I need to do is something for myself anyway! So, I read a book, I write in my journal, I blog, I take a long shower or bath, I have friends over for afternoon tea, I bake yummy treats, I have a lie down. And when Little Red wakes up, I feel relaxed, content and most importantly, like me again.
And just as Mummy's need time out, so do Daddy's. It's easy to forget this when your partner is out of the house all day while you're at home with baby - but it's not as if they're out fanny farting around, they're "bringing home the bacon", if you will. In the beginning, I made damn sure that when Nick was home, he would be doing what I do - changing nappies, cleaning, settling the little man etc. Then one day I noticed how tired he looked and I thought, wow, he's up before we are in the morning, he works non-stop from 8am til 6pm and he's more than ready to help with nursing during the night (and he doesn't get to nap during the day if he wants to). Now, I'm not justifying the idea of him coming home and doing nothing or saying that he works harder than me because it's all equal in the grand scheme of things and we all need to pull our weight to keep things smooth, but I'm definitely.... easier on him nowadays. Nick would cook, clean and settle until the cows came home if I asked him to, without a word of protest, but I now realise that he deserves to have some "me" time too. These days I don't get so smacked-arse when all he wants to do for an hour each evening is sit, relax and unwind.... before he gets on with the chores ;)
Not just airy-fairy hogwash, aromatherapy is fast becoming a popular natural alternative for many ailments - from stress to headaches, cold and flu to skin conditions. In my second and third trimesters I had the enormous privilege of being a case study for the absolutely divine Gillian Parkinson of Le'Essience.
Aromatherapy was something I knew a little bit about. Growing up, my Mum had massaged lavender into my temples to help me sleep, put jasmine in my baths to relax me and made inhalations of eucalyptus or peppermint when I had colds. Even though these practices had always "worked" for me, I put it down to the fact that these oils were more of a comfort than anything with healing properties. But then I met Gillian.
I've always been slightly (OK, quite) highly strung and am easily prone to anxiety and depression, not to mention the fact that I suffer from hideous knots in my shoulders and a hugely unstable lower back. Pregnancy didn't really.... suit these traits of mine hence my jumping at the chance to be a case study when I began to get a little panicky over the unknown and very, very sore! One session was all I needed - I was sold. I left that afternoon feeling as though I was walking on clouds.
Each essential oil has many different healing elements. I started tucking a tissue with a couple of drops of tangerine and ylang ylang in my bra each day (great for anxiety, stress and depression) and found work was a lot easier to bear, particularly in those last few weeks. I rubbed lavender onto my temples for headaches and across my cheeks for sinus tension. Alongside weekly massages with gorgeous, personalised blends I felt totally zen and new age - like I should be sitting cross-legged beneath a shady tree making daisy chains, nodding my head to some Creedence Clearwater Revival and calling my son River.
Towards the end of my third trimester, I developed PUPPPs (Pruritic Urticarial Papules and Plaques of Pregnancy) aka the closest thing to torture I have ever experienced. More common in women carrying boys, it's caused by your hormones colliding with baby's hormones and the result is nothing short of horrid and cruel. Starting on my stomach and sides, I developed this hideous rash (red and welty, ew) that then spread to my thighs, butt and finally my arms. I have never been so itchy in all my life. I would scratch and scratch until I thought my skin would fall off. I would go to bed each night with a bag of frozen peas on my tummy, and a bag of frozen veges on each thigh, although this had its drawbacks when one night I woke up in a puddle of melted, squashed peas.
I tried vitamin E and oatmeal moisturisers, calamine lotion, Dettol cream, Bepanthen and aloe vera. The doctor prescribed me antihistamines and steroid cream, both of which did absolutely nothing. I was about to resign myself to spending the rest of my pregnancy either in a bath full of ice or a straight jacket when Gillian flew to the rescue with a blend that calmed the redness, all but diminished the welts and, most importantly, completely halted the need for manic scratching - all within two days. I was now free to live the rest of my pre-baby days blissfully itch-free and kissing the feet of dear Gilllian - the woman deserves a medal.... a shrine, even.
As well as this amazing feat, I had blends to upkeep my now knot-free shoulders, smooth my skin and keep stretchmarks at bay, soften my perineum (pregnancy's not all glamour, after all - plus, I only needed a few stitches thanks to this blend) and help bubs along should he bake for too long, all meticulously measured out with oils that were personalised to my very pregnant state. And you know what? They all worked.
These days, I'm a complete convert - my first port of call for anything is aromatherapy. Little Red enjoys his post-bath massage with his own special blend, I swear he sleeps like a comatose drunk afterward and I now treat myself to a Mummy massage with Gillian every fortnight that keeps me stress and anxiety free (it's also doubly cool now that I can lie on my tummy). The few stretchmarks I had are fading, my sinuses are now delightfully clear and our house constantly smells like lavender, ylang ylang or jasmine and Little Red, Nick and I are all dreamily relaxed and lovely.
So ladies, if you get the chance, milk aromatherapy for all it's worth. Find a decent aromatherapist, stick to it and your glowing Mama aura will brighten with every passing day. One caveat though (and this is important), while baby's still baking you will need to work alongside a trained aromatherapist - essential oils are powerful things and some should not be used while you're pregnant.
So it seems my post about the pains of childbirth has unsettled a few people. Fortunately, there are other mothers out there who have read it and said "Thanks, finally an open and honest account". Here's what I have to say - I didn't write it to freak anyone out (especially expectant Mums and I apologise to any of you who I've upset or scared), I didn't write it to get up on my birthing high horse and say listen to me! I know all! I merely wrote my account of my childbirth.
Everyone's birthing experience is different. Mine was hard and painful but that doesn't mean yours will be. I know many mothers who've had a less-than-stressful experience and I know many mothers that have had a hell of a time. My cousin, after reading the post yesterday, told me about her sister-in-law who had a very traumatic birthing experience after which she felt really angry for a few days that the women in her life didn't tell her how awful it can be. And to be honest, that's how I felt. In fact, before I went into labour I was even excited for it because from what I'd been told, it wasn't actually that bad and I thought, I'll be fine! I wasn't prepared at all.
So, I don't mean to upset any women out there and I certainly don't mean to scare anyone. As I said in my first post, the most important thing you can do as a new mother is share your feelings and that's what I've done. I appreciate the feedback I've had on this post and I'm glad you guys were open and honest enough to tell me that actually, it made you feel nervous and scared. But just remember, this is just one experience out of billions. Talk to other mothers and ask about their birthing experience.
The main thing is - be prepared and keep an open mind. Yes it's sore, but when it comes down to it, it's just a tiny, tiny window in the enormous expanse that is your life and the end result far outweighs the labour. It's worth it. It's so, so worth it.
Yes, there is such a thing as the "sympathetic pregnancy". It even has a name - Couvade Syndrome and, in short, it's when your Baby Daddy or partner begins to mirror your symptoms (minus the fast growing bundle of joy in your belly).
If Couvade Syndrome was a factor in mine and Baby Daddy Nick's relationship, it only presented itself in the form of his expanding belly, which seemed to be growing as fast as mine. Although, that simply could have been due to my sickening cravings for cheeseburgers and ice cream and his unfathomable support in "eating what I eat" (and finishing off what I couldn't manage). It probably also had a little to do with him now drinking his beer and mine.
But isn't it interesting? The term Couvade Syndrome (stemming from the French verb couver, meaning to "brood") originated from ancient rituals carried out by fathers during the mother's labour and birth of their children such as avoiding certain foods, knives or other sharp objects and climbing into bed in a specially built hut to imitate the pains of childbirth. Fathers of an ancient tribe in Mexico even had to sit in the rafters above their wives during labour with a cord tied around their testicles - with every contraction the wife would pull on the cord. Let's all be thankful that some customs are left in the olden days where they belong.
These rituals were carried out to strengthen the bond between father and child, cope with the anxiety of watching the mother in labour and also allow the father to easier guide the child into the world by strengthening his connection with supernatural beings. These rituals no longer take place in the modern world, but the syndrome has carried through into our times with a new meaning.
Rupert Taylor writes that Couvade Syndrome is actually quite common and 'symptoms' can range from swollen stomachs and food cravings (I'm positive these two are interrelated) to cramps, fatigue, mood swings and even morning sickness.
The syndrome isn't medically proven, but there's no doubt that it does exist. Dr Arthur Brennan of St. George's University (who Taylor cites in his article) believes it may be linked to changes in hormones - perhaps an unconscious psychological longing to journey through pregnancy along with their Baby Mamas? - and says ".... these symptoms are involuntary. Often men haven't got a clue about what's happening to them."
And who said men weren't complex creatures? They suffer the ups and downs of the baby bump too. The sympathetic pregnancy.... what's next? Sympathy PMS? I hope not, there's only room for one pre-menstrual ogre to rear it's ugly head in our household.
Question for the masses: Did your Baby Daddy/partner suffer from Couvade Syndrome? Did their belly expand, their moods jump off the richter scale and their cravings turn from chips and beer to gherkins and ice cream? Let me know!
1. You have a super cute baby that's all yours and only yours
2. People will do anything you ask, so make the most of it
3. You probably won't have to cook for the first month
4. Eat all the chocolate you want because a) you deserve it and b) you're totally skinny now
5. You can shoot milk out of your boobs
6. You have every right to adopt that smug "oh-you-have-no-idea" look when childless people tell you they're tired
7. You now have a little friend that you can talk to (at?) about anything and all they'll do is smile and nod - think of it as therapy without the price tag
8. You can whinge all you want and be totally irrational and get away with it
9. Professionals say you should ingest 1L of milk products a day to keep your calcium intake up, that includes milk/milkshakes, yogurt and ice cream so go on, reach for that tub of Cookies & Cream and go for gold
10. People on buses have to move for you and if they don't it's OK to shoot them a smacked-arse evil eye
11. You can park in the baby only parks and enjoy your 2 second walk to the mall while everyone else makes the 5 minute trek
12. You can now eat all the sashimi, blue cheese and salami you want
13. Two months later, you're still receiving gifts
14. You can stay in your pyjama's all day long and not feel like a slob
15. People will understand that your house is a complete tip and will probably even offer to clean it for you
16. For a good night out, all you need is two glasses of wine and you're set
17. You have an excuse to go shopping - you're stuck between maternity and pre-baby and after all, you must have clothes that are breastfeeding friendly
18. For the first week, you can pretend you have breast implants
19. You don't have to pretend to be Supermum, most people will think you already are
20. You have now endured the most pain you will ever experience so things can only get better
It is. It really, really is. Or perhaps it's more a case of me still floating in that post-birth, half world where I still remember vividly every second of my 52 hour (yes, that's right) labour.
Most mothers I speak to who have children over 1 year get a faraway look in their eyes when asked if their labour/birth was painful, "No, not painful, just really intense". All mothers I speak to who have children under 6 months, well, their eyes fill with anguish before they bleat "Oh God, oh God! The pain! The pain!". As my sister so very delicately put it after the birth of her first son, "It's like squeezing a melon out your vagina and a basketball out your bum". How right she was.
My rose tinted dream bubble of a quick, painless and all natural water birth was quickly burst when Little Red began his journey into this world on a Friday afternoon. He must have taken a few wrong turns on the way, stopped to see the sights and take in a show because he didn't arrive until Sunday night. Mother's Day. The one thing he got right was arriving on his due date, good boy.
I'll spare you the gory details. Actually, no, I won't. It goes a little something like this:
52 hours from start to finish. 5 hours of sleep. Contractions 6 minutes apart from the very start. 1cm dilation in a 24 hour period. God knows how many milligrams of Oxytocin to get the contractions progressing which brings us to.... 90 seconds of eyeball bulging, back breaking, body contorting contractions every 2 minutes. Tens of drug-haze inducing inhalations of gas. 3 puke buckets. 5 ice buckets. 2 seconds for me to consider and accept the epidural offered. 3 people to sit me up and hold me still while the tube was inserted. An hour of lucidity followed by an hour of learning how to use my completely numb lower body to push. 40 minutes of pushing whilst enduring the most intense feeling of pressure I've ever felt in my bum and screaming "I can't! Nothing's happening!". 2 seconds of oh my God there's a baby. 4 minutes of oh my God there's a baby who's not breathing on his own (but it's OK, he began to breathe eventually). Then.... a lifetime of hello little one, you're all mine.
I have to admit, the above is slightly sugar coated, slightly abridged so as to keep the small shred of dignity I have left intact (because once you get into that delivery suite, prepare to leave every inch of it at the door). I'm not saying it wasn't worth it because it so, so was - from all that pain and trauma came a perfect little bundle of love and maybe one day I'll be one of those mothers that gets that faraway look before saying "No, not painful, just really intense" (although I highly doubt it) but for now, bring on that C-section!
In the sun and I hold a glass to my chest; it is full of
blood and bones and the life of my child.
He is a thud in my belly and an ache in my breasts
and he is everyone and everything all at once.
He is playing in the sand in my dreams
every breath he takes, I can feel it in my veins.
His voice leaves cracks in my skull and it rings in my ears
I can feel my skin growing older
with every passing cloud and I could never leave him
I could never stop loving him.
He is all that I have in this world.
He is all that I need.
Babies. Possibly the most confusing of all the human (and animal) race. Maybe the most amazing. And definitely the most time consuming. Ten weeks on from the birth of my first child and I still wonder where the hours in the day go. I am now a milk making, poop cleaning and sleep inducing machine that only just manages to have a shower (2 stolen minutes only), eat breakfast (cold porridge at 3pm) and get dressed (back into my PJ's) each day.
Let's think back to ante-natal classes, way back in those quiet, sleep filled pre-baby days. What was the one thing they drilled into you (besides the importance of breastfeeding and not leaving your baby alone in the bath)? Find time for yourself. Talk about your feelings and by God, have a good old rant when you need to!
Motherhood is tough at the best of times. It's beautiful, it's mind numbing, it's body and soul consuming and it's totally and utterly exhausting.
I plan to write about all of it.
